Some of you may know that this pregnancy was a complete surprise and a major lesson learned. My "family" plan was to have 2 kids close together, wait a few years and then have 2 more close together. I had Brooklyn and well the delivery was quite tramatic for me making my "plan" that much more appealing and I really felt good about it. I really didn't want to get pregnant for a LONG time! I was starting to get a good schedule down for my kiddos. I kept thinking of going on family trips just the four of us and enjoying a family of four. Then one day I remember it all so well, I got Brooklyn up from her nap and went and sat down in the TV room with Carter and fed Brooklyn and as I was feeding her, Carter was playing so nice with his toys and all of the sudden an OVERWHELMING feeling came over me of leaving my 3rd baby in the room. Just as quickly as I thought that, I thought I was CRAZY! But it hit me in the pit of my stomach causing tears to come to my eyes that I really was forgetting my 3rd baby. I told Brent of this and we laughed, because we both were in NO WAY ready for another baby....I still had one. Well every day for about 2 weeks that feeling would come to me so strongly! I ignored it and told myself it was hormones causing me to be crazy. It went away for a few days and then I started taking a parenting class and every night that I went I would drive home, with the radio off and just enjoy the quietness... to only have those feelings come back ever so strongly. I remember one night driving home and that feeling coming so strong of "just pray about it, or go to the temple of WHEN to have another baby" I quickly told myself, I have two babies and I love them and want to enjoy them, plus my body needed a few years to itself and to get back to being normal before I throw in another baby. I wasn't done having babies, I would have more kids just not now!!!! I turned on the radio and tried to think of something else. Looking back on it I realize how stubborn I was being! Well the feelings continued and of course, I couldn't pray about it because I already knew the answer and if I got that confirmation than I'd really have to obey.... so I just went about every day disregarding any feelings I got about having another baby. We moved into our new house and I remember looking at houses and walking, feeling so empty and incomplete because I truly was missing our 3rd baby. I went to Twin one weekend with the kids and I went to church with my parents and it just so happened that a little baby boy was being blessed that day and as the new Father took his little baby boy up to the front tears immediately came to my face as I really was forgetting my 3rd baby boy. After the blessing, I quickly took Brook out acting as if she needed a diaper change and I had something in my eye getting out of there as fast as I could so no one would question. Well those feelings subsided for a little bit and I actually wasn't feeling very well at all so I went to the doctor, they did an ultrasound and found a fairly large cyst on one of my ovaries. I was told to wean Brooklyn and start birth control right away to see if we could break down the cyst or else they would need to do surgery. So Brooklyn was now 13 months old and I did wean her and I did start birth control. Well it just so turned out that I got pregnant right around that time. A month later I was deathly ill, couldn't get out of bed and was so sick. I remember talking to my mom and seriously worried thinking something was so wrong with me and she kept telling me it's probably the pill making me so sick and to talk to my doctor about switching. One evening Brent said well, did you ever take a pregnancy test before you started the pill ( you are supposed to, but I was pretty sure that I wasn't! ) Anyway I did take one and it ever so lightly appeared. WE were in disbelief and didn't tell a soul. Waited a couple more weeks and I took another one, and well sure enough it was big bright positive!
I learned a huge lesson that although we may think we are in control of our lives and we make the decisions in our lives, we don't. I thought of course I always include Heavenly Father in my decisions and up until this point, I have never disagreed with him so strongly, but I learned that there is a higher power involved and he will always win. Throughout this pregnancy I at times have felt stressed but overall have felt an overwhelming feeling of this is exactly where Heavenly Father wants my life to be. There truly isn't any greater feeling than knowing that even though life is stressful and I may not have all the answers or know how everything is going to go, I do know full well that my Heavenly Father is well aware of me and my family and this is what our family needs right now. I'm so thankful for the blessings of the gospel and for the knowledge it provides. I know that this little spirit needs to, for some reason, come into our lives now and not in a few years. I'm so thankful that even though I was so hard-headed to listen that it still happened and in just over a month he will be here. I am overwhelmed with love for this little boy and have learned that "my plan" may not be what "HIS" plan is. And to always have an OPEN heart and mind so that when I get any sort of feeling I can truly pray and listen. It's so easy to dismiss quiet feelings as being just in your head, but the spirit works so quietly and we really do need to listen. Many times a thought really is the spirit guiding us. I have learned to never doubt yourself because with Heavenly Father you are capable of anything.
